{"id":13759,"date":"2018-07-30T07:00:26","date_gmt":"2018-07-30T12:00:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.senioradvisor.com\/blog\/?p=13759"},"modified":"2018-07-26T15:33:58","modified_gmt":"2018-07-26T20:33:58","slug":"expert-tips-for-when-aging-parents-wont-listen","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/d30braiqprupoq.cloudfront.net\/blog\/2018\/07\/expert-tips-for-when-aging-parents-wont-listen\/","title":{"rendered":"8 Expert Tips for When Aging Parents Won\u2019t Listen"},"content":{"rendered":"

8 Expert Tips for When Aging Parents Won\u2019t Listen<\/h1>\n

Our parents always asked that we listen, but what happens when they refuse to listen to us? Some adult children are finding that their parents don\u2019t\u00a0always know best\u00a0when it comes to their driving, housing, medication and more.\"8<\/p>\n

Learn more about what to do when your aging parents aren\u2019t\u00a0listening to you.<\/p>\n

Dad or Mom Won\u2019t Take Your Advice: Now What?<\/h2>\n

Research<\/a>\u00a0out of\u00a0Penn State University, the New Jersey Institute for Successful Aging and the Rowan University School of Osteopathic Medicine, found that 77% of adult\u00a0children\u00a0believe their parents are stubborn<\/a>\u00a0about taking their advice or getting help with daily problems.<\/p>\n

Mary Heitger-Marek, a 46-year-old program analyst from\u00a0Annapolis, Maryland<\/a>, could write the book on parental stubbornness. Her parents were living in a condo in\u00a0Florida<\/a>\u00a0with ongoing health problems and steep stairs. She begged them to move near her to a housing community with support. Instead, they bought a home in Florida with a pool and yard. They also acquired a pet. Several falls (some from walking their new dog) and multiple surgeries ensued. They refused to hire help for either themselves or their house.<\/p>\n

Instead, they moved into an independent living community near Heitger-Marek, again refusing a professional caregiver. Then their situation changed rapidly. Her dad passed suddenly and since then, her mother has been hospitalized four times. Now she\u2019s in rehab but plans to move in with her daughter, Heitger-Marek. She is still vowing not to have outside help.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy parents\u2019 life decisions have greatly impacted me and I am very resentful,\u201d says Heitger-Marek. \u201cI love my mother, but I am at my wit\u2019s end. I can\u2019t even begin to tell you how many times my husband and I have suggested options to improve my parents\u2019 quality of life and they have turned us down. I feel like we could open a senior care business because of all the programs, aid and other things we have looked into for them.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

What to Do When Your\u00a0Aging Parents Won\u2019t Listen<\/h2>\n

We asked experts for their advice on what to do in situations like this\u00a0\u2014 and unlike some parents, we did, in fact, listen.<\/p>\n

Experts recommend:<\/p>\n

1. Accept the situation.<\/h3>\n

You may want your mantra to be \u201cIt is what it is.\u201d Said another way, \u201cyou can take a horse to water, but you can\u2019t make them drink.\u201d Suzanne Modigliani, a Boston-based\u00a0geriatric care manager<\/a>\u00a0with a social work background, points out, \u201cthey are adults with the right to make decision\u00a0\u2014 even poor ones.\u201d<\/p>\n

2. Blame it on the kids (that would be you) or the grandkids.<\/h3>\n

If Mom isn\u2019t willing to change her behavior for herself, would she do it for a loved one? Robert Kane, M.D., author of \u201cThe Good Caregiver<\/a>,\u201d Director of the Center on Aging at the University of Minnesota and a professor in its School of Public Health, says his mother quit smoking after his sister argued the second-hand smoke was a risk to the grandchildren. Another approach is to say to your parent, \u201cYou don\u2019t want me to worry, right? This (fill in the blank) will give me enormous peace of mind. Please do it for me!\u201d<\/p>\n

3. Decide how important the matter is.<\/h3>\n

Is it a safety issue or something that is just irritating but inconsequential? As the saying goes, pick your battles.<\/p>\n

4. Don\u2019t beat yourself up.<\/h3>\n

Roseann Vanella, 50, of Marlton, New Jersey, happens to be a\u00a0family mediator<\/a>. But even with her professional training, she has been unable to reason with her parents. Her father, 84, has dementia and her mother, 75, has a rare blood disorder. Still, her mother insisted on taking her husband to Sicily on vacation. Vanella told her, \u201cI can\u2019t stop you so at least get medical jet insurance.\u201d She said she would. Soon after arriving in Italy, her mother\u2019s disease kicked up, she needed a blood transfusion and to come home. She admitted she never purchased insurance. Vanella and her brother were on the next plane. \u201cAfter that I said, \u2018she\u2019s never going to take him to Europe,\u2019 but she did,\u201d says Vanella. \u201cI told her how bad it was for my dad since his dementia had progressed.\u201d Again, Vanella had to go to Italy and bring them back. \u201cThe hardest part is knowing something could have been averted but wasn\u2019t,\u201d she notes. \u201cMy advice is not to hit your head against the wall too hard. There isn\u2019t a lot we can do sometimes but stand by, watch closely and be able to jump in when needed.\u201d<\/p>\n

5. Find an outside outlet for your feelings.<\/h3>\n

If you\u2019re angry or resentful that Dad\u2019s not with the program, confide in, strategize with or vent to, a friend, geriatric care manager, geriatrician, online support group, sibling or therapist rather than your parents.<\/p>\n

6. Think ahead.<\/h3>\n

Is there a milestone they want to be around for, such as an anniversary, graduation or wedding? Then bring it up!<\/p>\n

7. Treat them like the adults they are.<\/h3>\n

Dr. Kane warns about infantilizing parents. \u201cDealing with a stubborn parent is not the same as dealing with a stubborn child. Older people should be autonomous.\u201d<\/p>\n

8. Try to understand the motivation behind their behavior.<\/h3>\n

Modigliani\u00a0says to ask yourself: Are they acting this way to assert independence, or because they\u2019re confused or depressed? What are they afraid of?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

8 Expert Tips for When Aging Parents Won\u2019t Listen Our parents always asked that we listen, but what happens when they refuse to listen to us? Some adult children are finding that their parents don\u2019t\u00a0always know best\u00a0when it comes to their driving, housing, medication and more. Learn more about what to do when your aging parents aren\u2019t\u00a0listening to you. Dad […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7026,"featured_media":13761,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[200,29],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-13759","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-families-caregivers","8":"category-caregiving"},"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n8 Expert Tips for When Aging Parents Won\u2019t Listen<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Our parents always asked that we listen to them, but what happens when our aging parents won't listen to us? 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